Thursday 8 March 2018

words to my daughter



Today is international womens day, something if I'm honest I never really knew or concerned myself with- until I had a daughter and I realised she would become a young woman in this world one day. Although this is a day for celebrating women, it would be naive of me to think that life will not have hurdles and difficulties ahead for my little one purely because she is a woman. There are things I worry about, issues and situations I hope she never ever has to face but above and beyond all that there are so many things I wish for her.



words to my daughter

I hope your life is filled with people who love you,who lift you up, who support you and encourage you - the ones who are there not only when times are good but when times are bad. The ones who will sit with you as you cry, sit in silence when words just wont do and who are there to pick you up when you stumble. Those are the people you need in you life.  I will always be that person for you. Always.

I hope you have good days when you feel the sun on you skin, days when the rain pelts down outside but you are home with loved ones. I hope you have more good days than bad.

I hope you know that you are enough. That it is ok to be different. to be you. I hope you always march to the beat of your own drum; but celebrate those who play a different tune. I hope you know that being kind is the best quality you will ever possess, that the way you speak to people, even when they have wronged you says so much more about your strength of character than theirs. I hope you stand tall with your beliefs and dreams and never let anyone tell you that you cant do or be something. The fun is in trying. Success is measured by the journey and it is what you make it.
You may not be the best at everything you do but you are the best at being you.

I hope you have adventures, big and small. I hope you find the joy in the ordinary.  That you smile at a song on the radio, that you go to concerts and feel the rush of the music through your body, that you laugh so much that tears roll down your face. That you love so deeply that it physically hurts to imagine a life without that love. I hope you always jump in muddy puddles.

I hope you know that you are beautiful, in every way. Don't judge yourself on your reflection in the mirror, judge on your heart.

I hope that you empower others, not just women, Everybody.

I hope that you stay just as you are little lady. A force to be reckoned with.
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Monday 8 January 2018

early arrival



So my littlest baby is now one! One whole year of our wee man. It has been the fastest year ever. Time seems to go so much quicker the second time around.  I thought I would write up cathals birth story as I did for Aoibhin and I want to make sure I remember everything. Cathals birth was the complete opposite of Aoibhins and I love that they are both such different stories to tell.

I finished work last year on the Tuesday 3rd of January at 34 weeks pregnant.. I was soo ready to finish as if you knew me back then my bump was pretty big and I was aching. Everywhere. I had suffered with really bad spd and was seeing a physio for it. so I was looking forward to a few weeks to rest up. Which is obviously as joke as who rests with a 16 month old?. Even so I was excited to not have to be on my feet for long periods. Neil was due to fly back to England the following Monday the 9th so I was looking forward to our last weekend of the holiday season.

Wednesday and Thursday I took a mad notion to clean. I cleared out cupboards on my hands and knees,  emptied every drawer and made a pile of old cards, receipts, letters all to be burnt. Neil had made a fire outside to burn some rubbish and I Trotted in and out to it throwing stuff in with Neil standing gawking at me asking what the hell I was doing traipsing out in the wet muddy slippy grounds. My back was killing me all day, but as someone who has suffered back pain for years I never thought anything of it. That evening we went for dinner and I could not get comfortable at the table- I kept shifting trying to ease my back pain. I remember posting a pic to insta that evening ..little did I know it would be the last bump pic of me.




That night I lay in bed and my back was so painful. I must have tossed ant turned for hours. I started getting regular pains in my stomach which I initially tried to convince myself were just Braxton hicks but I think I knew they weren't. I didn't wake Neil but got up sat in sitting room with a hot water bottle and started to time the pains. I think I must have did this for a few hours as I was adamant I could wait until the morning and just phone the midwife but around 5 or so I gave up and phoned the ward. They advised me to go straight in and so I woke Neil and got dressed, I had already started packing the bags a week before so I just grabbed them and said if we needed anything else Neil could get them . Still I was convinced I would be home that night though. My mother in law came down to stay with Aoibhin and off we set for the hospital to the fetal assessment clinic.

Once there I was hooked up to monitoring and examined and found to be 2cms dilated and a swab taken to test for fetal fibronectin, which can give an indication if labour is imminent but its not a certainty that you will deliver soon.  Mine tested positive so combined with that and the consistent contractions it was decided I should be admitted, due to the fact I was only 34 weeks I needed a neonatal bed and as none where available I would need to be transferred. So off I went in the ambulance feeling like a fraud and completely using up valuable resources but protocol is protocol. I arrived down at the second hospital and waited to be seen at the admitting clinic where we waited for a few hours before getting a free bed on the ward. I was still contracting although the nifedipine had slowed it down some what. I had my first steroid injection for the babies lungs- stingy wee feckers those, and I was monitored on and off for the rest of the evening. Saturday morning came and I eagerly awaited the ward round- I hadn't been having as many pains and the nurses had told me I would likely get home but come the ward round there was no mention of home. Saturday all day I still had pains and they were coming every 10 mins. They were painful but I could cope and walked and walked and walked and breathed my way through them, Neil stayed late to about 8 as I wanted him at home for Aoibhin so off he went home with reassurances I would See him in the morning. The contractions were still coming so I was strapped up for monitoring every so often and around 10 I lay down to try and sleep . Only I couldn't. The pains durations and frequency increased so much that I downloaded an app to time them...I did this until about after midnight and I never once called the nurses on the ward, mainly because there was one of the most annoying patients in the bay with me ( whose partner had stayed and had been snoring like a train for bloody hours) so I didn't want to annoy them more but also because I was still clinging on to the hope I was going home on Sunday. It must have been around half three that I walked up to the end of the ward where the nurses were and asked if I could have a bath as I didn't want to disturb anyone as it was so late- this was a big mistake. I got in the bath and I thought I was going to deliver that baby Right there and then. The pain was intense and constant. I climbed out and I made my way back up to the nurses stopping with each pain and told them it was getting really bad. The nurse came down to me in the bay and strapped me up to monitoring and when she came back she looked and said oh they're pretty intense aren't they?. Yep they sure bloody are.

She said she would call the registrar and I asked what she thought I should do about Neil, as it's over an hour drive away, she said to wait until the doctor was around. Unfortunately for me, everyone was tied up in theatre so I squirmed and rocked like a whale through the pain, which was pretty bloody intense by now.  I still hadn't had any pain relief at this point but after over an hour waiting for the doctor I buzzed that call bell like my life depended on it and the auxiliary appeared.I asked for gas and air and she replied is it that bad. I think my look told her all she needed to know. At this stage though the doctor appeared and examined me and I heard him murmuring to the nurse at the foot of the bed and I thought he said 5 cm and I nearly cried and said am I only 5..to which they both said no you're 10cm. Neil was texted straight away to get down.

I was taken round to delivery after I was examined and as soon as I got there I got gas and air. as soon as I got it the midwives and nurses left the room to give a handover and the tubing disconnected from the mask and fell to the ground. I couldn't move to get it as I was strapped up to a ctg monitoring and when I say I screamed --I screamed. Possibly a slight over reaction but hey when you finally get some pain relief and it literally slips through your fingers; well that's scream worthy stuff right there. Neil landed after 6 and he walked in to me on all fours over the bed and he pulled my blanket up to cover me and I literally screamed at him ' I don't care who sees my ass-leave it'. Poor man.  They were willing to give me up to an hour to push because of my emergency section with Aoibhin and they broke my waters which had yet to break at that point. I remember the pain of each contraction was so intense and the only thing that got me through was counting because I Knew when I reached a certain number the pain would peak and so I focused on getting to that number. All anybody heard during the contractions was me mumbling one..two...three...in between contractions I was chatting away to the nurse about our work.

As with Aoibhin, cathal was in an awkward position and so there was talk about going to theatre. I just remember saying to Neil I haven't went through all this to go to theatre again...and so with the consultants and neonatal staff all in the room little cathal was born at 7am on Sunday 8th, vaginally weighing a impressive 6lbs 14oz at exactly 35 weeks. I just kept repeating I did it I did it.

I would do it all again tomorrow, ok maybe not tomorrow but soon.






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