For the past 6 months I have worn the title of 'Mummy' and I absolutely love it. I'm not afraid to say that I am one of those mummies that want to be with their child all the time. I hate to be apart from her. And that is Ok. I am allowed to feel sad and anxious and guilty at the thought of being away from her. I am her Mummy. I am also a wife and a normal girl that before baby loved makeup and nights out and dates out. So although I WANT to be with her all the time I also am aware that I need some 'me time'. Because as much as I love every minute of time with her- its the humdrum receptiveness of the things that go hand in hand with a baby-the sterilising bottles/filling&unfilling the steriliser/packing&replenishing her baby bag with the essentials so we are never caught short/prepping meals/ freezing/unfreezing meals/cleaning up after the mess of playtime/mealtimes. All the things that I do day in day out because I love her and because I need to and also because I want to. Because I am her mummy. I love it all but I also need a break from it...just sometimes.
So last night I got myself ready for a night out..Makeup-check. outfit-check. Feeling good-check. Careful written and verbal instructions left with hubby-check.. And I was ready for the road- I'll fully admit I procrastinated when it was nearing time to leave-adding another five minutes to just sit but eventually I had to go. Did I feel sad leaving her-yes absolutely because I miss her when I'm away from her. Did I feel anxious-Yes because I know her routine better than anyone. Worried that she would notice me gone and miss me-Yes. But I kissed her and hubby goodnight and off I went- driving to belfast with the radio playing all my favourite old school dance tunes at top volume .Of course I checked in on hubby several times and he sent me a photo of her going to bed but I knew she was in good hands with her daddy. Did I have a good night? Yes I did but not as much as I would have pre baby-if anything it only confirmed to me that nights out just don't do it for me anymore. My life has changed. My priorities have changed. I want to spend my evenings putting her to bed and curling up with the hubby eating rubbish and watching films after hours of deliberating over which one to choose. That doesn't mean I am not 'me' anymore- I'm just at a different stage in my life. And that's Ok. I am sure I will have a few nights out again ( not to mention an entire weekend in Brighton soon for a hen do-dear god-the anxiety about it already), but the definition of 'me time' has changed. Reading a book again, siting with a cup of tea while she sleeps, a day away to do a bit of shopping that isn't baby related, booking in for a massage while daddy minds her-now that is what me time is for me now. A chance to rejuvenate and focus on me for a period of time. To think about something other than baby food recipes/ teething/ other baby related thoughts that constantly swirl around my head. Time for me. Time to just do nothing or do something. Whatever I want. Knowing that I am refreshed going back to her. Knowing that she will give me the biggest brightest smile when I walk in the door. Knowing that I will be reminded a thousand times over how much I love every bit of her being.
So basically what my rambling is trying to say is a little time away is good for me-its good for her. It allows me to prepare myself mentally for returning to work, to take a breather and to think about only me for a few hours-and it allows her the chance to have quality time with her daddy alone and to learn that shes ok without her mummy for short times. Will I still feel anxious being away for longer periods-absolutely but I know she will always be in the best hands with her daddy. Will I still rush home to be with them after my time away-absolutely because being with them is my favourite place to be.
